Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Contrary to popular belief, and what you may have read in the tabloid press, I am not now, nor ever have been, pregnant. Thankyou for your time.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Maybe its the changing seasons dragging me down. Maybe its the fact that I am constantly reminded of my ex-girlfriend who left me because she had to move to South Africa to live (at the end of June/July/the year delete as each date passes) but has since shown no inclination to actually go. Funny that. Makes me wonder what exactly I did that was so bad to her. I always tried to treat her well, did pretty much anything she asked of me. I'll admit I fell hard for the only girl to ever actually like me in that way, or at least pretended to, so the list of things I wouldn't have done for her is pretty short to non-existant. It kind of sucks when in your own depressed mind you figure you must have done something really awful for her to leave and treat you that way, but you have absolutely no idea what it was. Case in point, her last boyfriend she actually moved in with after they broke up, even though she was terrified of him and eventually had to go to the police over it. The guy was a bit of a psycho, compensating for being a short arse I think, but it takes all sorts. Me she refuses to have any contact with at all, and no, I haven't been playing the role of angry mad ex. All in all I've been pretty cool over the fact she made me feel like absolute shit for several months, all the time telling me how much she really loves me. So back in my depressing mind, logic dictates that I must have been an even bigger arsehole then him, right? Abuse can take many forms I now realise. Anyway, why am I prattling on about all this right now? Todays her birthday, so had things been different I would probably be enjoying a surprise weekend away in Paris to celebrate, as I'd started plotting and planning way back in the depths of May. Cause I'm the sneaky kind of bastard who when something is worth the effort will plan for things waaaaay in advance. But as it is she's enjoying it with another guy, refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever, and lacks the common decency to just leave my country, so all told, today has been just a little bit blue.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I've recently had a growing feeling that something is broken. And I'm still trying to decide if its me or the world.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Ballad Of The Dreaded Friday

Ok, so as some people will be aware from my earlier message, I was terrified of an event occurring this Friday just past. And now it is the fateful time to reveal what it was that almost drove me over the edge.
It is not because, as some of you suspected, that I work for some intelligence agency or other, I work for a library. And the awful truth is that this Friday just gone I had to take part in the thrice cursed event known as Baby Bounce And Rhyme. This awful travesty involves sitting within a circle, surrounded by around twenty mothers with their babys, singing nursery rhymes to them, and enacting the hand motions that go along with them using the skilful application of scary looking puppets. A bad enough ordeal for any man to go through, but particularly for someone as shy as me. Indeed the memory of those vacant, beady little eyes staring at me as they sat there slowly soiling themselves still haunts me days onwards. And as for the babies, they were so much worse. If garita had not been there to face them with me I may well have lost my mind...
OK, so maybe it's a little less dramatic then some of you may have been hoping for, and at least now its over with (until the dreaded next time). The combined affects of Friday night drinking, Saturday Barbecue and Sunday Comic convention in London has thankfully kept the nightmares at bay, and just between you, me and hindsight has made it seem a little bit silly, and that I may, just may, have overeacted the tiniest little bit. But if you ever say I said that I will make a full and complete denial. The fact does remain that public speaking ( and often speaking to anyone I'm not yet comfortable around) can be a tricky business for me, let alone singing and puppet manipulating. And at the minute the schedule does not look good for next Friday either, so watch this space...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A gruesome fate by all accounts, twas a dark and stormy night...

So I'm sending this one out to anyone in who may care and a few who probably don't.
I just want you all to know that if you don't hear from me again it is because on Friday I am to face the most terrible and fearsome event that any man can face.
More pantwettingly scary then this storm I am currently writing within.
Even more horrifying then Godzilla with diarrhea.

I knew there were risks when I took on the job but had hoped to avoid this dreaded day. I hope that you will all wish well of me, and if I survive then I will tell the tale within my blog, and if I don't then know that I shall miss you all (some more then others obviously, but you can't have everything), and maybe someday you will raise a glass and remember my name with a tearful glint in your eye. And pray, deep down within your very soul that you do not come face to face with the same fate that is fast approaching to claim me.

So I begin my journey into the darkness, hoping to see you once (possibly not till after the weekend though, as I'm out of town and, y'know, for the suspense! :-)

Fare thee well one and all!!!

The Melodramatic Monkey that is me

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

As a child of the eighties, I believed a car could talk. And change into a giant robot. But I always was a bit gullible. Of course there was always talk about a live action Transformers film coming out, and with the start of a particular companys car advertisements those rumours quickly gained momentum. And now there is one on the way, and even though with Michael Bay directing it will probably be an awful mess this maybe its authentic maybe its not test footage means it has the potential to at least look fairly cool.

To see it click here

Monday, September 04, 2006

So because my job has some moments that you can just travel along on automatic pilot I began to do some thinking today. And lo and behold what should leap into my head but the theory of Creationism. What the heck, think I, run with it lad. For those who don't know Creationism is the idea that the bible tells the literal truth. Ignore all that science mumbo jumbo, that crazy Darwin guy and all those fossils, they're all just there to test us. One of those stranger ideas to still be taught in certain schools. But anyways, back to the point...

Creationism I find is massively flawed, and not for the obvious reasons. My whole basis for this fantastically original staement that sprang into my head was an analogy to a house. If someone came along and asked you to move into a house, that they had knocked up single handedly in six days (resting on the seventh) would you? Well, maybe you would. But come on, you'd be expecting a pretty shoddy deal out of it. Leaking pipes, bad floorboards, and you wouldn't want to go near the bathroom. Now enlarge this house to the WHOLE OF ALL CREATION!!!
I think we got ripped. Maybe the world isn't quite the most perfect place to live because it was thrown together in less then a week, and I doubt there was much in the way of forward planning. It does seem to be a fairly rushed job. And when you throw in the evidence of the platypus its obvious that the guy (or gal) putting it together was stoned on at least one of those six days. Would you buy a house from a stoner who built it in six days? Well how about everything then? And its not even as if you can decide to just move in to the nicer place down the street. Because its EVERYTHING. There is no down the street! Theres not even a next door! And I'm fairly sure the town I come from is the Bathroom That Should Be Avoided! We as a sentient species should really be demanding our money back, and checking over the contract.